Psychology says people who say “please” and “thank you” may score higher on this key empathy marker

On a packed Tuesday morning, a woman in a creased blazer darted on to the bus with a coffee in one hand and her phone in the other. The driver held back for an extra three seconds to let her aboard. She glanced up, slightly breathless, and said, “Thank you.”
The driver returned a proper smile - not the automatic, end-of-shift kind.

It was only two words and a blink of a moment, yet the atmosphere in that small space seemed to ease, as if the temperature dropped a fraction.

All day long we weave past strangers, skim through comments, brush shoulders in supermarkets - and in the middle of the hurry and the noise, small courtesies either show up or disappear.

Psychologists have begun to trace what those tiny phrases actually signal.

And it turns out the story is richer than “good manners”.

What “please” and “thank you” quietly reveal about your brain and cognitive empathy

Try spending a single morning paying attention and you’ll hear the pattern: some people scatter “please” and “thank you” constantly, while others hardly reach for them at all.

It’s the barista who says, “Thanks so much for waiting,” rather than a clipped “Next.”
It’s the colleague who tags “please” on to the end of a Slack message even when they’re the manager.

These phrases do more than keep social interactions running smoothly. They can hint at how closely someone monitors the feelings and needs of the people around them.

Psychologists describe part of this as cognitive empathy - the thinking skill of stepping into another person’s point of view.

A simple “thank you” can act like a small flag for that ability.

Researchers who focus on gratitude and prosocial language repeatedly notice a similar trend: people who naturally express appreciation often score higher on empathy measures.

In one widely referenced piece of research on everyday gratitude, participants who frequently used phrases such as “thank you”, “I appreciate it”, or “I’m grateful” were more likely to register subtle changes in other people’s emotions. They spotted more quickly when someone seemed exhausted, under pressure, or unusually quiet.

If you look at your own relationships, you may recognise the type: the friend who says, “Thanks for listening - I genuinely needed that,” often also has a habit of checking in on you later.
They aren’t merely being polite; they’re paying attention.

Most people have experienced the reverse too: when one considered “thanks” makes you feel noticed rather than taken for granted.

So what’s happening beneath the surface? When you say “please” or “thank you”, your brain has to briefly recognise another person’s effort, time, or freedom to choose.

You’re not simply buying a coffee; you’re acknowledging that someone made it for you. You’re not just receiving a response; you’re marking the fact that a real person paused their day to reply.

That tiny mental move - shifting from “what I’m getting” to “what they’re doing” - sits right at the heart of empathy. People who make that switch regularly tend to operate with a more active, other-focused mindset.

Realistically, nobody manages this perfectly every single day.
Still, those who do it more often than average commonly show stronger ability on a key marker: imagining what another person might be feeling in that exact moment.

One extra detail worth noticing is how these words land in modern life, especially in digital spaces. In texts, emails, and workplace chat, “please” and “thank you” often replace facial expression and tone of voice. A short message can read as blunt or demanding without them - not because the sender is unkind, but because the cues that soften speech in person (eye contact, a pause, a friendly tone) aren’t visible on a screen.

It also helps to remember that delivery matters. A sincere “thank you” paired with brief eye contact, or a “please” said without impatience, tends to communicate respect more clearly than the exact wording alone. In other words: the phrase is the label, but the tone is the proof.

How to use small words to grow big empathy with “please” and “thank you”

A deceptively simple exercise many therapists like is sometimes called micro-gratitude. The idea is to pick three ordinary interactions where you will deliberately say “please” or “thank you” out loud, with intention.

For instance: when you send a work email, when you ask your partner for something, and when you pay at a shop.

The key is to avoid sounding mechanical. Instead, pause for half a second, bring the person to mind, and then say the words.
It can feel almost too easy - but that brief pause is where the empathy “muscle” begins to engage.

Over time, your brain starts scanning not only for what you want, but for what other people are offering.

There is a catch, though. “Please” and “thank you” can become social wallpaper - phrases used to appear well-mannered rather than to connect.

You’ve probably felt the hollowness of a flat “thanks” thrown over someone’s shoulder, or a “please” sharpened by impatience. The words are present, but the empathy isn’t.

So the aim isn’t to force polite phrases into every line you speak. The aim is to let them reflect a quick, honest check-in:

• Did someone adapt for you?
• Did they give time, attention, or energy?

That’s what you’re naming when you say “thank you”.
And when you add “please”, you’re quietly signalling: “You have a choice - and I respect that.”

Psychologist and empathy researcher Jamil Zaki has summed up the bigger picture like this:

“We tend to think of empathy as something you either have or you don’t, but in reality, it behaves much more like a habit. The more often you practice noticing others, the sharper that skill becomes.”

So how do you turn those small words into a genuine habit without sounding staged? Start with situations where you already feel a bit of warmth or goodwill; it’s easier to be authentic there.

Here’s a short set of daily micro-empathy actions:

• Say “thank you for…” and name the specific effort, rather than stopping at “thanks”.
• Add one sincere “please” when you’re requesting help in a message.
• Lift your eyes from the screen when you say it, even if only briefly.
• Keep your normal voice - not syrupy, not performative.
• After you say it, pay attention to the other person’s response, simply out of curiosity.

Those small adjustments are often where politeness begins to turn into sharper perception.

Why these tiny courtesies change how people see you - and how you see them

Once you start noticing, something subtle often happens: people tend to relax around someone who consistently uses “please” and “thank you”.

A colleague who used to be guarded may start sharing information more freely. A barista may remember your usual order. A neighbour who previously only nodded might pause for a quick chat.

Your language is effectively saying, “I’m not treating you as a background character in my day.”
And people respond to being recognised.

You may also find your own mood shifts. When you deliberately name what others are doing for you, your brain gets extra practice spotting support - not only strain.

What stands out is that this isn’t about being “nice” in a sugary, vague way. It’s about being concrete and grounded:

• “Thank you for replying so quickly.”
• “Please, if you’ve got a minute, could you take a look at this?”
• “Thanks for waiting for me at the station.”

Each one is a small reality-check that tells the other person: I noticed your effort.

Over time, these acknowledgements can reduce defensiveness, smooth over conflict, and make difficult conversations easier to begin. You’re creating a shared habit of recognition, rather than performing politeness for show.

There’s another dimension as well: self-empathy. People who practise gratitude towards others often become a little kinder to themselves.

When you train your attention to notice effort “out there”, you may gradually start noticing effort “in here” too - how you turned up to a difficult meeting, or how you carried yourself through a hard day.

That doesn’t mean you need to stand in front of a mirror saying “thank you” to yourself.
It simply means your brain is learning that effort deserves acknowledgement, not just results.

And that can quietly reshape how you handle stress, criticism, and perceived failure.

Next time you hear yourself say “please” or “thank you”, treat it as a quick moment of self-observation:

Was it automatic, or did you mean it?
Did you genuinely register the other person’s perspective, even for half a beat?

Those questions matter more than the phrase itself.

Because what psychology keeps pointing to is straightforward: people who naturally mark these moments often run a quiet, background process - repeatedly checking, “What might this feel like for them?”
That’s the empathy marker hiding in plain sight.

Key point	Detail	Value for the reader
Polite words reflect perspective-taking	Frequent “please” and “thank you” often indicate active cognitive empathy	Helps you spot your own empathy strengths and blind spots
Micro-gratitude builds the empathy habit	Intentional, specific thanks train your brain to notice other people’s effort	Gives you an everyday practice to deepen connection without major lifestyle changes
Authenticity beats performative politeness	The emotional tone behind the words shapes how people feel and respond	Helps you communicate in a way that feels real rather than forced

FAQ

• Question 1: Does saying “please” and “thank you” automatically mean I’m more empathetic?
  Not necessarily. The phrases are signals, not guarantees. What counts is the mindset behind them - whether you’re truly noticing and valuing the other person.

• Question 2: Can I train myself to become more empathetic using these phrases?
  Yes, up to a point. When you use them deliberately - with a short pause to imagine the other person’s effort or feelings - you can strengthen empathy over time.

• Question 3: What if it feels fake when I start doing this more often?
  That’s common in the beginning. New habits often feel awkward. Aim for honesty and specificity, and the words usually start to feel more natural.

• Question 4: Isn’t politeness just cultural, not psychological?
  Culture influences how politeness is shown, but the underlying process - recognising another person’s perspective and effort - is strongly linked with empathy across many studies.

• Question 5: What if people around me don’t say “please” or “thank you” back?
  You can still treat these phrases as an expression of your own values. Often, others gradually mirror the tone you set, even if they don’t say it explicitly at first.